Swine flu. Run for my life!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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