Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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