You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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