I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
