What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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