foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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