I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
