your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
