Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
