I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
