You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
