Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
