she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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