Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
