pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
