The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
