How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
