It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I fill condoms, not promises.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
