Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
