is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
