God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
not ubering you a puppy
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
