my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
