Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
