I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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