I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
