dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
