Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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