Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
