Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you inspire me to be a worse person
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
