dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
