it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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