you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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