i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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