I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
