I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
