Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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