if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
