Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
