nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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