oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
