I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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