This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
