I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
