he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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