Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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