I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
