this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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