I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
