neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
