Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
